The Struggle of Infidelity BY GUEST WRITER KISHA KLOSTER

Sex is a river of fire that must be banked and cooled by a hundred restraints if it is not to consume in chaos both the individual and the group. – Will Durant, The Lessons of History

The aim of Man Overseas Blog & Podcast is to serve those on the self-development quest. For this reason, we must maintain a willingness to discuss awkward but helpful topics.

I’ve written about the need to channel our sexual appetites, how to navigate relationships [for men] and had a podcast guest who talked about strengthening the mind after discovering his wife of seven years was cheating.

Jeanette Winterston said, “I write about sex because often it feels like the most important thing in the world.”

Makes sense to me.

This week, I asked my longtime friend, Kisha Kloster LMFT, CART, CST-Candidate, to write a guest article. As a Marital & Family Therapist, she sees the problems married couples face weekly, if not daily.

Big thank you to Kisha for sharing her insight and expertise.

Introduction

When Brad asked if I wanted to guest write for his blog, it was an easy yes. Choosing a topic, though, was hard.

Cheating runs rampant in our society. Estimates of extramarital affairs are a reported 15-25%. My estimate is much higher—my counselor friends have also said it’s among the most common issue they encounter. Additionally, it should be noted these percentages don’t include non-married [supposedly] committed couples.

Every day I have clients in my office with marital issues ranging from differences in sexual desire, family trauma, emotional and physical abuse among partners, coping with divorce, etc. Although these problems are equally troubling, I chose to write about infidelity because it is by far the most common reason I’ve had couples walk through my therapy door.

Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. The salvation of man is through love and in love. – Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search For Meaning

Another reason I chose to write about infidelity is our social connections are among the most significant factors in having a happy, healthy life. A marriage, or committed long-term relationship, will be your most important bond, especially if you end up having children.

You will presumably spend the majority of your time with your significant other; therefore, an affair can undoubtedly shatter a couple.

Through writing about infidelity, I want to provide hope.

A betrayal doesn’t have to destroy your life or relationship. My passion is helping people to maintain their intimate connections to their partners, despite the pain and distrust that follows.

In this short article, I’ll help you to see infidelity through the lens of a therapist. We’ll explore its causes, effects on the relationship and what you can do if it happens to you.

Causes of an Affair

I’ll focus on two reasons for cheating that are most often cited by my clients:

• The person cheated because they were unfulfilled emotionally
• The person cheated because they were unfulfilled sexually within their relationship

My clients will say that the person they cheated with “made them feel alive” or made them “feel listened to and understood.” I would never think to invalidate those feelings. They’re real. But they can be fleeting, and mostly circumstantial. If most people thought about it, they’re reminiscent of the same feelings they had when they first met their significant other.

Here is why those feelings don’t last:

• The novelty of new relationships wear off
• The person who cheated often is struggling with internal factors
• The same issues seem to arise in each relationship people have, regardless of who they’re with
• The person cheating is the common denominator in each relationship

What I’m saying is this: The betrayal has a lot more to do with the person who cheated than it has to do with the person cheated on.

It isn’t so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become. – Esther Perel, The State of Affairs

There’s no guarantee that feeling of unfulfillment won’t return. It is something you carry with you. It doesn’t reside inside anyone else. Until you deal with the void within you, no other person will satisfy you. The guilt that follows will leave you even more dissatisfied with yourself. Void still there.

This is not to say that the partner who didn’t cheat has free reign on how they can treat you, but it is logical to me, that if you are feeling less than happy, it is your job to confront your feelings of emptiness and address concerns with your significant other.

This begs the question, where does the lack of fulfillment come from? Examples include:

• The client’s upbringing
• Past relationships
• Childhood/teenage/adulthood trauma
• Attachment styles
• Mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, low self-esteem, and compulsions dealing
  with love and/or sex

The significance of exploring that which leads to internal voids can help the client to better understand themselves and their partner. Most importantly, we must unpack sources of unfulfillment with both partners, not just the person who “stepped out” on the relationship.

Case in point from a couple I was seeing. She grew up in a chaotic environment, and learned to make it on her own. He grew up in a supportive household. His parents provided his structure. He learned to adapt to the environment he was provided.

When they met she loved him because he was laid back. He loved her because she was independent and a planner.

Fast forward 10 years, she wants him to be more pro-active. She wants him to speak up on what he wants. He doesn’t do that. She cheats. He’s flabbergasted.

In their sessions we spoke about their dynamic with each other and the dynamics they grew up with. They appeared to be repeating the same patterns. They asked me what to do with that information.

I said, “Give each other grace. You didn’t get here over night. Give him grace in his attempts to be more ‘take charge.’ Give her more grace in letting you take charge.” Then explained, “Everything is a process.”

An Affair’s Effects on the Relationship

An affair can cause the person who cheated to feel alive and validated in who they are. It can feel exciting and fulfilling. In fact, cheaters get so caught up in the exhilaration of an outside relationship that they don’t even consider the overwhelming guilt and shame that often follows.

When an affair is discovered through the partner finding out on their own or by confession, the person who cheated often feels relieved. It’s as if a weight has finally lifted. Their infidelity is out in the open, and they can finally address what led to the affair in the first place.

Depending on the circumstances of the affair, this may allow the “cheater” to finally leave their significant other for the other person. In the case of a one night stand or an affair that hasn’t resulted in love, it can serve as a catalyst for open communication with their partner. This can relieve guilt further.

In complete juxtaposition, the person who has been betrayed doesn’t feel relief from guilt. Nor do they view the affair coming to light as opportunity for growth or discussion of relationship issues.

Usually, their worlds are blown apart. What they thought they knew to be true in their life and their most important relationship is seen as a lie.

Clients will say they feel stupid after they find out about what happened behind their back. They use words like betrayed and broken. It’s a huge blow to their self-worth and self-esteem. They will blame themselves. More times than not, they are pissed off.

Obviously, an affair isn’t a positive thing for a relationship, at least initially. There will be yelling. There will be fighting. There’ll be blaming. Cussing. Name-calling.

There will also be apologizing. The person who strayed will say things like: “It didn’t mean anything;” “it’s over;” “if you would be more like ‘this’ then I wouldn’t have gone somewhere else.”

Chaos ensues. Dishes break. More yelling.

Not every time. In rare cases, it’s cordial. Things get brushed under the rug. But that’s also not a good thing.

What to do After an Affair

I want to emphasize again—every couple is different. I’m sharing “most likely” scenarios.

My suggestions on what to do next stem from training and research I have done on treating couples struggling with infidelity. My suggestions are also derived from success stories I have had within my practice.

Recently I had a couple whose relationship was riddled with infidelity and outside emotional and physical relationships. When they first arrived in my office, they were in a place of anger, resentment and broken boundaries.

By the end of our time together, they had put the affairs aside long enough to explore their own histories with affairs in their families, and how that has skewed their current beliefs about what infidelity means to them as individuals.

Through exploration of their histories they were able to start the rebuilding process. They realized their relationship can be stronger than it was before with open communication, which they’d never had.

It’s important for couples to know that although their relationship will be different after a betrayal, it can also be BETTER. After the affair has been discovered and the turmoil calms down, one of the first things to figure out, for both partners is: do you want to work it out? Or at least try to work it out?

If you aren’t sure, this could be a good time to seek counseling. An unbiased third party can help you determine which direction to go. If you don’t want to work it out, this could also be a good time to contact a therapist to help you work through the relationship dissolution. This can be done on an individual basis or as a couple.

If, as a couple, you decide to stick it out and try to work through the affair, I still recommend outside help from a counselor or therapist—specifically someone who has experience in counseling couples.

You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety. – Abraham Maslow

Every therapist has their own way of working through affairs with their clients. In my practice, the first thing I require is zero communication with the “other party” involved. If the affair is ongoing, in my experience, it is nearly impossible to work on the marriage and/or partnership. It becomes a question of which relationship is even in therapy.

Second step is to realize that it’s going to be HARD WORK for both partners. Transparency is key. Honesty, accountability and consistency are paramount in helping the relationship.

Nothing is linear when trying to repair and heal a relationship riddled with betrayal. Expect leaps forward and steps backward. Both partners must be willing to open up in ways they never have before.

In vulnerability, lies healing; in healing, lies hope.

Further reading:

• Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
• The State of Affairs by Esther Perel
• After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring,Ph.D
• How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald, LMFT

Kisha Kloster is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in the Houston area. She also has a certification in Anger Resolution Therapy and is completing her full certification to become a sex therapist. She is married with 2 children, a cat, a dog and a fish.