If you grew up around people who “gave you shit” all the time, consider yourself lucky. It means you probably learned to deal with shit-testers in ways others did not.
A shit test (ST) is when someone “gives you shit” to see how you react. It can be a question or assertion. Its intent is to elicit an emotional response from you.
You’ll see the term used when studying female psychology, seduction and attraction. Women often ST men without realizing it due to deep natural and biological needs for security.
STs aren’t only given by women to men; nor, are they the sole realm of master pick-up artists and those playing mind games. Rather, STs are a hallmark of Western culture that pervades nearly all aspects of American life.
The ability to pass a ST is a critical life skill—an integral part of a life well-lived.
We’ve all been shit-tested. You’ll always be shit-tested. Consider it an opportunity.
Who Passes Shit Tests?
A high-value man or woman regularly passes shit tests. Here I will define a high value man/woman as someone who:
- highly values their time
- provides value to others
- doesn’t need validation from other people
These individuals possess high emotional intelligence, which largely influences one’s success in relationships, family, finances, business and spirituality.
I define emotional intelligence as an ability to regulate one’s own emotions while also influencing the emotions of others. This intelligence enables one to harness emotions and apply them to tasks and interpersonal situations to create optimal outcomes.
Characteristics of a High-Value Individual
Emotional qualities separate high-value individuals from mediocre men.
They’re results-oriented, learn from failure and never take things personally. Their energized focus, controlled desire, patience, persistence and confidence play a large role in propelling them to massive action; thereby, consistently increasing their value.
High-value individuals have cultivated composure and equanimity through vast experience, which enables them more control of their circumstances.
Unlike most people, they don’t nervously fill silence with nonsense, revealing information about their thoughts and feelings that often lead to failed STs. They say less than necessary, so when they do speak it seems more profound.
High-value individuals operate from a different frame. They don’t walk into a room and wonder if you like them; they’re more focused on whether they like you—the closer you want to get to these folks, the closer your values need to align with theirs.
They’re high in conscientiousness; low in ego. Their elevated mental landscape enables them to look a ST in the eye and laugh (if necessary).
We should all strive to be high-value.
The Games People Play
By now you’re wondering why there’s a need for STs at all. They may sound juvenile or a waste of time, and I’d tend to agree with you. But what if I told you people don’t always tell the truth? (insert laughing emoji)
Women and feminine men who imitate them, in their more nuanced and indirect communication, frequently tell people what they want to hear. While men insult each other but don’t mean it, women do the same with compliments. Thus, polite society evolved wordplay and social games to determine “how a person really is.”
Women ST men when dating to determine if he’s worthy of intimacy or a second date. In a relationship or marriage, a woman will ST a man to illicit a feeling—to feel his love, strength, safety, security; however, these social games aren’t unique to the feminine.
Men Shit-Test Each Other
Men begin shit-testing each other as boys playing in the schoolyard—play is the mammalian way of learning social behavior. Whether a young boy feels bullied or challenged when ST’d by other kids will largely determine whether or not testing continues.
A boy faces his first test when he’s unknowingly placed in the male dominance hierarchy. At the top of this invisible hierarchy is where highly coveted popularity resides. Once tested, if a boy exhibits feminine characteristics or lacks the wit necessary to compete in verbal sparring sessions, he’ll be susceptible to more testing. This is where bullying starts.
A boy will have advantages if he’s gifted athletically; similar benefits accrue to girls with high cheek bones and facial symmetry. But movement up the hierarchical stack for a young boy will largely be determined by competence, ability and skill. He must learn to think quickly and communicate with confidence to establish a presence.
The capacity to kick everyone’s ass will help, but usually a ST is only that—a test. It rarely results in physical aggression. A bully is highly insecure. He wants to cement his or her own place in the social hierarchy with little effort, which is why bullies usually back down when confronted.
The Last Time I was Bullied
Twenty years ago, I was in a college bar when four guys I’d never met surrounded me in the restroom. One of them blocked the door while another guy tried to push me into the urinal.
After talking my way out of the situation, I rounded up a few teammates and a brawl ensued. I couldn’t see out of my left eye for several days afterward.
There was a girl coming to visit me the next weekend from out-of-state, so I called to let her know I looked like Rocky Balboa post-Apollo Creed fight. This was turn of the century when cell phone reception was bad and cameras were a separate thing.
After exchanging pleasantries with her on a static line, I jokingly asked if she’d ever been with someone who had a black eye. Obviously repulsed by my question, she said in a raised voice, “It’s none of your business whether or not I’ve been with a black guy!”
Raising a Socially Desirable Kid
According to clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson, kids should be raised to be socially desirable. A good parent teaches a child aged 2-4 years how to act in the world so that when people encounter them, they smile because they’re happy to see them.
Likable kids learn gratitude and how to share. He or she doesn’t interrupt adults while they’re talking. Consequently, adults are more likely to smile at them, pat them on the head and share information that broadens their horizons and otherwise aids in a kid’s development.
I was at a buddy’s house last weekend. His kid walked up and stared at us. So my friend said to him, “You need something, Son?”
The kid said shyly, “I’m waiting until y’all are finished talking.”
The boy’s behavior endeared me to him—exactly what Peterson talks about. I wanted to teach the lil’ guy to hit a curve ball and how to talk his way out of four-on-one situations.
The smiles and nodding approval of adults breed confidence in kids. My buddy’s son is likable, well-disciplined and knows how to act. He’ll have no problems passing shit tests.
Characteristics of a Low-Value Individual
Socially undesirable or unlikable people, regardless of age, frequently fail STs. They’re undisciplined, overly insecure, and slow to respond when tested.
They feel personally insulted when a mild joke is made at their expense; whereas, a high-value likable person will laugh.
Life is harder for unlikable people. Though I’d argue it’s not entirely their fault. Their parents may have angered easily and took frustrations out on them. Or maybe they were provided freedoms where constraints were necessary. Their unwitting parents raised an entitled brat accustomed to getting everything he or she wants.
As adults, unlikables (not to be confused with deplorables) conduct themselves according to the whims of their emotions. They never learned that angry and reactive isn’t attractive.
Since there’s no filter from thought to the spoken word, constant drama and conflict swirls about them. To make matters worse, they try to involve others, hoping they will take their side in endless battles.
Even more sophisticated unlikables learn entitlement instead of gratitude. They grow to feel irrationally self-important. Egotism blinds them to self-awareness. Naturally, they assume others are the problem and remain comfortably smug. A low-value man/woman is someone who:
- doesn’t value their time (or anyone else’s)
- provides little or no value to others
- is overly concerned what others think about them and seeks validation
How to Deal with Shit Tests
As I said above, we should all strive to become high-value—someone who recognizes a shit test immediately.
When a ST is recognized, one can ignore it; quash it immediately (while conveying there’ll be no reaction or emotional response); use it as an opportunity to demonstrate (and often increase) one’s value; or allow it to “play out” while skillfully reversing roles with the tester, wherein the tester becomes the tested.
If one is unable to recognize a ST, he will inadvertently reveal information about himself to the tester, which may be the unstated goal. Consider that most interviews are STs, job or otherwise. Athletes are coached to handle media so as not to reveal much; politicians skillfully speak in platitudes and filibuster interviewers (testers).
The End (just kidding, it never ends)
After reading this article, much of life may seem like one big ST. If so, you’re not far off.
Quick update from last post: Above my left eye is still a little black & blue from headache surgery, but scars are healing well. Thank you to everyone who texted and left comments for me on Facebook & Instagram.
If you want to further discuss STs, I’m available to meet at Starbucks in Houston on Monday mornings. It needs to be early and you’re buying. Because you need to buy something.
Have you ever had coffee with a guy with a black eye?
Mr. Manoverseas,
I’ve just recently found your blog and have really enjoyed going back through and reading your posts. You have really hit home on quite a few of them. This ST post in particular sparked my curiosity. How did you manage to talk your way out of that four-on-one situation you mentioned?
P.S., I still have a hell of a time hitting a curve ball.
Best,
Mr. Fellow Black Eye
Hey Jacob, that’s hilarious, glad to have you as a reader!
Re: four-on-one, I quickly managed to find common ground with the guy who looked most reasonable. I could tell by their thick accent what area they were from, so I asked the most reasonable-looking guy if he knew a kid that was a child-prodigy from their area. When he said, “Yeah, I know who he is” (I knew he would), I said with raised eyebrows, “Oh man that’s cool! Have you met him? Do you know him personally?” Finding common ground and taking a keen interest worked as a diversion tactic to diffuse the situation.
Why did you feel the need to fight them afterward? Did you see it as part of passing their shit test in this case, or were y’all just young and stupid, or some other reason? Would you still fight them knowing what you know today?
Just seeing this. I think the word “shit” got you caught in my Spam filter.
Great questions. I had been drinking, and was pissed about what just happened to me. I can’t imagine walking back to where my teammates were standing in the bar and not sharing what happened. We were young and stupid no doubt.
Knowing what I know today, fighting needs to be absolute last resort. Too much at stake, including loss of life.
Good insight! Thanks for the reply.